A Step in the Right Direction

Whirlwind, spin me 'round. Never let my feet touch the ground cause the clouds is where I'm gonna lay my head. Spending time wishing and hoping, for yet another night like this.

This has been one of the most intense weeks I have gone through in a very, very long time.

I started college with new hopes, new goals, and new perspectives. I've broken myself in a matter of hours, to be filled up again- whole and reborn. I enjoy all of my classes, for the most part. All of them are liberal arts classes that you must take in order to graduate. Thanks to college credit from high school and the semester at Lynn, I have a total of 26 hours as I start beautiful Florida State. Although the Lynn credits didn't transfer as requirements, but instead electives, I'm taking classes with mostly freshmen. That should change next fall after I apply for my major and hopefully get into the College of Communication.

My first topic is one that must be absorbed into everyone who reads this, college and high schoolers alike:

Do not come to college with holds. For example, a new love interest (exceptions do exist) broken friendships from the year before, regrets, and past struggles. They will wear you down, breaking you at any defeating moment. And it'll push you further down a rabbit hole you don't want to go down. No one knows how far that rabbit hole is...you just keep falling.

So my 'defining moment' came early. Like 3 days into my first week early.
I discovered that buried in my optimistic mind was a depression forming. A memory of a loved one who had left this world in such haste.
I had kept it with me for so long that I forgot that I could still cry about him. Everything about him and his death shaped me into who I am right now. My reactions weren't the best; not even close.

I had to give up my self to God on one of those red faced nights. I sat in my car, in front of an intense house party, drunken kids filling by me without notice. I just couldn't help it. I really believed I was about to do something drastic. I was so angry, so sad, so full of problems. I did not know what step would lead to the beginnings of my healing.

I let it all go. I begged God, over and over,

FIX ME, PLEASE! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I DON'T EVEN KNOW MY OWN PULSE!

I can recall only one time I felt God's presence at the exact moment I was praying to him. This was my second. And he did wonders.

I'm involved with the rock climbing club. I go three times a week at the loss of soft girlie hands.
I'm all moved in, with the exception of a few old paintings.
I've met friends who won't just last for the season.
I've danced salsa with the most handsome guy ever at a house party.
I've lost my voice, crashed the stage, stage dove into a mass of sweaty, punk kids and walked away with bruises I'm proud of.
I've gotten healthier and lost a total of 10 pounds.
I'm calling my parents on a regular basis.
I adopted a kitten and named her Olive. She's my love child. She loves everything about me.



It's been 4 days now.
God, it feels so good to be alive again.

here we go...

Less than a week and my calendar is screaming at me-

Where in the world did summer go?

The months have literally just flown by. But to say the least, I'm very, very happy.

I've spent 5 days in the mountains with my family; Blue Ridge, GA, to be exact. Last year, we came up for a mini family reunion, complete with the new additions to the family, white water rafting, hiking, bonfires, smores, and family bonding. This year, my sisters' family is in Texas, with their oldest playing in the Little League World Series. My brother and his wife can't make the trip with two babies, each under 3. Don't blame them.

So that leaves, myself, my mother, my father, and my almost twin brother, Chase. To some, it might seem a little lame, but I throughly enjoyed it.

Our escapades included that of sleeping, eating, a little hiking, more sleeping, more eating, an hours worth of lazy river tubing, and a small trip to Atlanta to see an old Endurance friend. I got to write some entries at night, talk to a few good friends via Skype (new found addiction, add me) and just mentally prepare myself for my first semester at FSU.

After flipping through photos I've been tagged in via Facebook, I caught myself smiling uncontrollably. I've done a ridiculous amount of things over this summer...

Warrior Dash with some crazy South Florida friends...
A trip down to Boca for OE's graduation...
A trip to Orlando to see Passion Pit play with Noah...
A beach trip to Destin to see an old friend and his family...
Another trip to Orlando with the best friend to see Harry Potter World, ride roller coasters, and go to a gay bar with a guy who ended up getting arrested...
A trip to Chicago, IL, with my mother and the best friend for a week full of events from house parties, bar hopping (all expense paid might I add), dancing, hiking in the rain, bike riding, making new friendships, and cliff diving...
A birthday trip to PC with old, but still amazing best friends from high school, to Shipwreck Island. It was perfect catching up and getting close to them again...
Remembering how to go on dates and get excited about a guy again. We shall see what the future has in store for the two of us...
Going wakeboarding, bike riding, and rock climbing with some new people from FSU. Will write more about them later...
Going to the mountains with my family and getting some good flash backs of the past year and the ups and downs I went through...


And all this leads me to here.

I'm so ready.

twenty.

I. Get into FSU ✓
II. Join at least two clubs at FSU ✓
III. Gain more experience with my camera
IV. Move out ✓
V. Become active in new things ✓
VI. Close any old disputes
VII. Start a piggy bank ✓
VIII. Hit more local music scenes ✓
IX. Volunteer somewhere monthly
X. Clean out my iTunes
XI. Get a new iPod ✓
XII. Road trip to another state with a group
XIII. Learn to snowboard
XIV. Go to an amusement park I've never been to ✓
XV. Learn to drive a stick shift
XVI. Get something published
XVII. Learn guitar or piano
XVIII. Go on another mission trip
XIX. Stop cursing
XX. Accept the past ✓

Staring into the Mist

It's been a full year since the death of my first boyfriend.

I've been told that a first love never dies. Discovering what that actually meant has been quite a journey for someone of my age.
The death was the spark to ignite an explosion the size of the Pacific. My heart, although contained deep within me, has fought with the wolves of men who sought to only enjoy their male fantasies, leaving me tired, cold, and even more helpless. What was a 17-year-old to do?

One year later, I find myself in north Georgia among the creatures I once called Indigo Giants. They stand among the trees, noble and dominant, knowing what they want and taking only what they need. Such a simple concept, no human could even mask. They haven't changed in a year. They haven't changed in hundreds of years.

My best friend explained to me a few weeks ago that every five years we alter our central motifs and beliefs. That the things we press on our relationships with others- such as faith and lifestyles, completely turns a 180. To some extent, it's all in good nature. It's deemed appropriate to grow out of watching cartoons, picking your boogers, and pretending you're a special agent. But what happens when we break a promise to ourselves? Something we said we would never do, someone we said we would never become? When that becomes our decision, becomes who we are, when do we stop to evaluate the mold we are breaking?

Momma would be so ashamed.

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This is a fall of new. I'm in the in-between of who once was and who is to come. Either way, I'm turning into the new, but the new could be far from what I pictured. That's all in the plan, right?

So much trust in the things you can't see. But that's the best I can do. It's all I can do.
My sanctity depends on a faith I can only feel. If you can call that sane at all.